Gutenfilm Presents: Twi Hard
With the conclusion of the Harry Potter franchise, there needs to be something else to fill the gaping hole in the hearts of teenage girls the world over. Given the alarming popularity of Stephanie Meyer’s vampire-sex-abstinence-stalking-werewolf-pecs-CW book series, in which a teenage girl falls in love with a vampire or something, I decided to look into what the fuss was all about. My montage-y research unearthed a deeply unhealthy (pathological? must investigate) obsession with whatever this series was peddling. After much consideration, denial, hesitant consideration, I finally accepted it. I would have to venture into the deepest, darkest parts of my soul, and experience this for myself. And my God have mercy on my soul, for I will need all of the mercy I can summon.
So the first film is just about to start. I’ve seen a couple of clips and from them, I can affirm that this is going to be an aggressively stupid franchise. Those clips were pretty hilarious and I fully expect the slavish devotion to teen romance melodrama to carry the series, and my sanity, through to the end. That said, I also expect them to be relentless boring in their slavish devotion to teen romance melodrama, so the mention of alcohol in this endeavor is only half-joking. I expect this to be an endurance test of the highest caliber. I expect it to be a learning experience if nothing else, and at the end, I can say that I survived Twilight.
So come with me, dear readers, ride with me on a vampiric climb through the forest of stupid metaphors. It’s time to Twi Hard. With a vengeance.