Gutenfilm Presents: A Christmas Beeracle: The Star Wars Holiday Special
This is it: the final film of A Christmas Beeracle. It’s all been leading up to this, The Star Wars Holiday Special, a film so famously, utterly terrible that everyone involved in the production has disowned it and George Lucas has attempted to purchase every copy of the program so that it will never be seen again. He has failed, and now I am watching it. I can’t think of a better (worse) way to end the year than to watch a movie that people actually pretend doesn’t even exist.
The Star Wars Holiday Special is the tiniest shred of a plotline composed of a handful of horrible Star Wars-themed sketches. After an all-too-brief prologue involving Han Solo and Chewbacca escaping from Imperials that establishes that the Star Wars version of Christmas is called Life Day, we are introduced to Chewie’s stupid family, two of which are named Itchy and Lumpy. The first scene in the movie is an excruciating sequence where one of the Wookies (I can’t remember which one and I don’t care) watches a little holographic circus, after which we learn the Empire suspects Rebel activity on the Wookie homeworld and promptly invades.
The rest of the movie is this meager story supplemented by smaller little musical numbers or other vignettes that have absolutely no bearing on the rest of the story, although the Imperials are apparently completely enthralled by the programming and frequently stall their ransacking of Chewie’s home to watch them. One of the funniest things about this special is that when a segment ends, the scene cuts to everyone gathered around the screen. Everything else is disconnected, inconsequential, and utterly lazy.
There is an alarming excess of musical sequences in the special, including a rock song with the vocalist singing into what appears to be a massive glowing pink phallus. Another one, which is definitely a little creepy, features large-breasted Wookie females and a goddess character that tells Itchy (through a virtual reality machine) that she is his fantasy, or something. This movie is really weird. There’s also an instructional video starring a malfunctioning cyborg, a man who drinks via a hole in the top of his head, and, at the very end, a bunch of hooded figures marching through space toward a star where Princess Leia sings a song set to the tune of the Star Wars theme. This final scene might be the worst in the film, because Leia’s song barely fits with tune of the theme, and it’s almost tragic to see such a classic song get butchered. And if that is not bad enough, the song is followed by a montage of random Star Wars stock footage and no fewer than fifty-six toy commercials.
If there’s one thing that the Star Wars Holiday Special does right, it’s warn you right off the bat that there are two Wookies named Itchy and Lumpy. If you watch this, it is your own fault. By the time you get deep enough into the movie to hate all living things, you have no one to blame but yourself. Even so, it is far and away one of the worst things I’ve ever watched. It’s the only movie in Christmas Beeracle that has been able to reach to absurd lows of Nutcracker: The Untold Story. It’s not only “Nutcracker bad”, but almost worse, perhaps even taking that film’s place as a frame of comparison for horrible movies. As a result of this utterly colossal pile of wretched garbage, Wookies are dead to me. I. Hate. Wookies. It’s almost so bad as to completely ruin Star Wars for me, and I will never view the films the same way again.
I had sort of planned on the movie being that bad, however, and it serves as a fitting end to this feature. I’m almost glad that I’m ending with a movie that was a horrible as the kickoff film, nicely bookending a month of utter cinematic torture. While looking for bad Christmas movies, I came to the realization of just how many bad Christmas movies there actually are, and found myself heavily narrowing down my list and omitting many of the ones I had initially planned for. I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn’t glad it was over.